


Letters to Erin

by holtzbian



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-23 06:15:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12500716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holtzbian/pseuds/holtzbian
Summary: A series of notes Holtzmann writes to Erin throughout their relationship.





	Letters to Erin

**Author's Note:**

> Guess who's taking a short story writing class at university and thus is experimenting with different styles, and now is disciplined enough that she managed to write this all in one day? It's me!

* * *

_August 2016_

Erin,

When I was in therapy as a kid (long story), Doctor Vanessa told me to write letters when I didn't know how to say my feelings out loud. I still do it sometimes. I'm doing it right now.

You walked into my shitty lab a few weeks ago, and then we saved the world, and a lot of shit went down. The weirdest part about it (and the whole thing was super weird) is that while we were saving the world from being ripped apart by a meninist ghost maniac, I felt like there was something bigger happening- and what could be bigger than saving the world and making possibly, probably, almost definitely the coolest scientific discovery in the history of everything? A month ago I would have said nothing. But now I am in love with you, which is weird and crazy and awesome and more terrifying to me than a ghost apocalypse (I know how to handle those, mostly), and I know it isn't really bigger than our science, than our work, because people fall in love all the time and there's a trillion songs and books and movies and poems about it, but, when you're in it, it feels like the biggest thing in the universe. There's no equation to explain that, and for the first time I don't think I want one. (If anyone could discover it, though, it would be you. You beautiful genius, Erin.)

I'm not going to send this or anything. I just needed to write it down so I don't accidentally burst into song about my love for you in the middle of a bust. A one-woman flash mob, if you will.

 Holtz

 

* * *

_October 2016_

Erin,

We kissed today. You kissed me, actually, which was weird (in the best way). When I had thought about us kissing (I thought about it a lot) I had always made the first move and dramatically dipped you like we were in a romance movie from the 50's or something (only a lot gayer). It felt like that, anyway. I'm more than okay with it. Your lips are like, _really_ soft. Do you moisturise them? I bet you do. That's such an Erin thing to do. You probably decided you were going to kiss me way in advance and made a colour coded plan. I love that.

I'm glad you made the first move because I think I was too in my head about it. I had decided that you would never like me (because you are INSANELY OUT OF MY LEAGUE) and thus had resigned myself to staring at you all the time, which you definitely noticed. I'm fine with it. You could have punched me in the face and then kissed me and I still would have been fine with it, though, probably. Not that you'd ever do that.

I have noticed that now I know what it's like to kiss Erin Gilbert, I am offended by every moment of life I spend not kissing Erin Gilbert. It just seems so unnecessary.

Anyway, iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou but it's WAY too early to say that to you so I'm saying it here, and I can't wait to kiss you again, and also I love you.

Holtz

 

* * *

_November 2016_

Erin,

 Today I asked you to be my girlfriend and you laughed at me. Not in a mean way, in that "you're an idiot but it's okay" way that you do. You said that you'd been my girlfriend for a while, which I think I knew, but I had to make sure. One does not simply have an undefined relationship with someone like Erin Gilbert. (Note to self: watch Lord of The Rings with Erin. Also, the X-Files.)

But the point is that we're _girlfriends_ now, which is awesome. I have (officially) been Erin Gilbert's girlfriend for approximately six hours, and I can conclude that it is probably the best thing I have ever been.

I said this, to Abby and Patty (I'm not sure if you heard from upstairs- you might have, it was loud), but then it had been approximately two minutes, and they actually did call me an idiot, but it was also out of love. There's so much love!

As always, I love you (still haven't said it), and I can't wait to see you tomorrow. This is actually the first night this week I've been at my own apartment and it _sucks_. Yours is way better (because you're there, and also you have actual plates, and I just ate cereal out of a frisbee because I ran out of paper bowls).

Holtz

 

* * *

 

_December 2016_

Erin,

Guess what!!! I finally said it!!! You know that, you were there. And said it back! Patty had said it was too soon when I asked her, but it just happened. You were on the roof looking all perfect and lesbehonest, who can be on a roof overlooking New York with their beautiful genius girlfriend and not have a romantic revelation? It's just not realistic. Even if it was 8am and you were just trying to drink your coffee in peace. But you love me too! And I set way more fires than usual today. There's probably a correlation there, but let's not overthink it.  

I love you, and you know that (finally).

Holtz

 

* * *

_April 2017_

Erin,

I haven't written one of these in a while, because we've been communicating and having an adult relationship, which is pretty cool. But we had a fight today, a big one, our first real one, and you asked me not to come over tonight, so I'm trying to respect that you need space, but also I just want to burst in there and yell that I'm sorry and kiss every inch of you. But we have an adult relationship so I will give you space because you asked me to.

It was definitely my fault. I'm sorry that we fought but I'm not sorry for what I did. I would jump off a much higher ledge to save you from a ghost (or anything else), and I would do it a hundred times. In a row, if that was necessary. I don't think it ever would be. It was an instinct and it's one that I'm glad I have.

I distracted the ghost enough for you to pick your gun back up and take it out, and I think a broken ankle is a small price to pay for you not being EATEN BY A GHOST and you got way too mad about it. I might still be a little mad. But I think if our biggest fight is because we both care too much about the other getting hurt then we're going to be just fine.

I love you (I'm still right, though)

Holtz

 

* * *

_June 2017_

Erin,

I didn't come back to your apartment last night because by the time I was done working on the new prototype it was 5am and I didn't want to wake you. This morning when you came into work, you said you hated not waking up next to me. Patty says you're hinting about moving in together, but I have my doubts about it- you've seen how I live and your place is just so _clean_ and _orderly_ and also is it too soon? I know I want to wake up with you everyday, but I've known that since I met you. Patty also says that we should just have a conversation, but there's no romance in that.

Speaking of romance, I just picked up a bunch of your favourite flowers and also the latest scientific journals to make up for not coming over last night.

Maybe we'll talk about it.

I love you,

Holtz

 

* * *

_October 2017_

Erin,

I reallllly hope you're not gonna be mad at me. I know we've only lived in our new apartment for a few months, and we're still decorating and everything, but you didn't see the way this cat looked at me. I know it's my own fault for going to the shelter, but after we went with Patty to get her dog I seem magnetically drawn to it. My feet just take me there. I don't have a say in it.

I think we should name him together. He is going to be our son after all. Even if you're mad at first, I know you'll love him.

I love you,

Holtz

 

* * *

 

_January 2018_

Erin,

Yesterday I made you laugh so hard that coffee came out of your nose, and I decided to ask you to marry me. I've already enlisted Abby and Patty's help, and it's going to be grand and over the top and embarrassing and you're going to love it. There will definitely be musical cues, there will probably be birds. I haven't decided yet.

I _have_ decided that I'm going to drive out and talk to your parents. We haven't seen them since Christmas. I'm not asking for their permission, of course, but I want them to be a part of it. I think you would want them to be a part of it, so I'm going to. It's made me happy to see how you've repaired your relationship over the last two years. Also, I've kinda been craving your mom's pumpkin pie. But it's mostly about the marriage stuff.

I love you, and I hope you'll say yes.

Holtz

 

* * *

_April 2018_

Erin,

We got married yesterday. I'm a _wife_ now. You're _my wife_ now.

I never thought I'd be a wife, but I think as soon as I saw you I knew I would be.

Right now we're on a plane, and you're asleep on my shoulder, so I'm writing extra slow so I don't wake you up. Back when we started dating, when we watched Lord of The Rings together (for the first of many times), you said how you'd always wanted to go to New Zealand, so that's where we're going. Both the lesbian and nerd parts of me cannot wait to hike up Mount Doom with you.

I can't believe we're married, and that I'm lucky enough to have the rest of my life with you.

I hope Abby and Patty won't miss us too much, or break any of the equipment (Patty). I know Leo is in good hands with Abby, at least. The complaining when he sits on her is fake, she loves our son. (I know you still haven't warmed to me calling him that, but I don't care.)

I love you,

Holtz

 

* * *

_April 2019_

Erin,

Your mom died yesterday. We were still riding the high of our first anniversary when you got the call. We're driving down to your hometown tomorrow to see your dad, and staying for a week to oversee the funeral with him. I looked up the stages of grief earlier, and you're still in denial right now. Which, for Erin Gilbert, looks like throwing yourself into work and pretending nothing's wrong. Apparently, there's nothing I can do for you at the moment. I'm just going to make sure you stay fed and hydrated like you do for me when I get too caught up in something and forget how to self care, and I'm going to just be here.

I love you, and we're going to get through this.

Holtz

 

* * *

  _May 2019_

Erin,

The anger stage of your grief has been the longest. You're still working too much, not sleeping enough, and you pick a fight with anyone who tells you that. We don't mind. We know it's the hurt talking, and we're not going anywhere.

I'm trying not to let show how sad it makes me to see you like this. I know you need me to be the strong one, so that's what I'm doing. I'm here and I'm giving you all I've got, and we're going to get through it.

I love you,

Holtz

 

* * *

_May 2019_

Erin,

The depression stage of your grief is so much more terrifying. I so preferred you yelling at me to you sleeping all day and all night and barely uttering two words in the short time that you're awake. Even when you are awake you don't seem like yourself, the things you love don't seem to bring you joy anymore. Leo sits with you all the time, he knows you need the comfort.

I wish I could understand what you're going through- the closest thing I've ever had to a mom is Rebecca (who brought us flowers when she heard), and she's definitely going to outlive me.

I know it's better to feel pain than nothing at all, but those are the hardest times. When you let yourself sob and all I can do is wrap my arms around you and let you feel, I wish more than anything that I could build something that would let me absorb all of your pain for you. I know it won't go away for a long time, probably not ever, not completely, but God, I hope it gets easier soon.

I love you,

Holtz

 

* * *

 

_July 2019_  

Erin,

Today, your eyes lit up like they haven't in a long time. I was pretending not to be watching from across the room while Abby talked you through what she's been secretly working on lately. I heard your voice, a little louder than it has been, and saw you smile as you held the papers close to your face, really looking. It's something.

I love you,

Holtz

 

* * *

 

_January 2022_

Erin,

This weekend, we went out to Long Island and spent the weekend at a bed and breakfast. We ended up getting snowed in and spending three days together with no distractions. I think anyone else might have killed me after that much time alone together, but I've met my match. Married her.

It's going up there with the day we met, the day we got married, and that time we didn't leave our bed for two days other than to get in the shower (together) as one of my favourite memories.

We'd been struggling a little. Things had been different, a bit more distant between us, and we took the weekend out to reconnect. We got more than we bargained for, and I think the universe (neither of us believe explicitly in any kind of greater entity, so let's go with that) was pushing us to remember why we fell in love. It turns out all we need is each other, 24/7 room service, a working shower, and maybe a pack of cards to have the greatest time of our lives. Even if you do cheat at poker (I am the _real_ champion).

I love you,

Holtz

 

* * *

 

_April 2024_

Erin,

I don't think you notice how often I look at you. You did today.

We were sitting on a bench in the park and I was just watching you, smiling at something, presumably a dog. You blushed when you looked back at me, and it reminded me of how you'd react when we first met and I flirted with you.

It wasn't a dog, though- it was twin girls playing on swings, their dads pushing them. The girls held ice creams, and every time they took a lick their dads would jolt the swings, giving them a face full of ice cream. It made me laugh, but there was something about the way you were looking at them.

I had never really thought about that as something that I wanted, as something that I _could_ want, but I saw the look in your eyes.

I love you,

Holtz

 

* * *

 

_June 2025_

Erin,

We shared our first heartbreak together today. Anna, she changed her mind. She had been flirting with the idea of us as parents for months, and today we got the call, and we went down there, and we saw him, _held him_ , and she changed her mind.

We got home to a bunch of flowers with a note attached.

_Whichever way this goes, it's going to be a lot. Remember to eat tonight- there's Chinese in your fridge._

_We love you, whether you're two or three._

_xo, A & P_

We ate, we cried, we slept. We tried not to be bitter, we failed.

I love you, and this is going to happen for us.

Holtz

* * *

_January 2026_

Erin,

I know we're supposed to sleep whenever she sleeps, but at some point these notes became about moments in our lives, and I can't miss this one.

Our daughter was born yesterday, and shit, if she isn't the coolest little thing I've ever seen. Right now you're sitting in bed snoozing, and she's asleep on your chest. I know I should sleep but I don't know how I could ever look away from that.

We hadn't decided on a baby girl name, and then she was handed to me, and her little fingers grabbed onto the outer circle of my necklace and held tight. The nurse sternly told us that I can't wear that anymore, and I won't, but I looked at you and you nodded, and we both knew what it meant.

Welcome to the world, Rebecca. It's awesome. First thing's first: ghosts are real, but don't worry about it, your moms have got you covered.

I love you both,

Holtz

 

* * *

_September 2031_

Erin,

It's been a long time since I wrote one of these. It's not that there haven't been moments. We've got moments coming out of our ears, and all of our other crevices (sometimes literally? Take that as you will.) Too many to write down, really. But it's cool- we've got cameras.

Becca's started going to school full time, which means we're back to work full time, which is weird but nice but mostly weird. Patty isn't scared of being in the lab with me anymore, which is _really_ weird. I guess I'm careful now. For the first time, I have a lot to lose.

I'm not too worried about Becca being out in the world. They say it takes a village, and her village is a bunch of kickass women who'd take down the world for her, and are teaching her to do so for herself. She's a little firecracker, baby. We did that. She ain't afraid of no school. (I know that's a double negative. Don't start with me, Erin.)

I love you,

Holtz

 

* * *

_July 2038_

Erin,

I know the happiest day of my life is supposed to be our wedding day or the birth of our daughter, but Becca technically came out to us today and I think this tops all of that. I also know that "oh thank god" is not the correct response, but sometimes human instinct just takes over (I absolutely deserved you hitting me on the arm). I'm so glad that she lives in a world that didn't tell her she needed to come out, and our girl got to just come home and tell us she has a crush on a girl. Getting her through the dating shit is gonna be _so much easier_ now. I'm going to go out tonight and pick her up a jar of hummus and an X-Files box set, and you can't stop me because I'm not going to tell you about it.

I love you,

Holtz

 

* * *

_February 2039_

Erin,

Today we made the executive decision that we can't go on busts anymore. It's okay- the next generation are shaping up nicely, they can do the bulk of the physical stuff. I think we were too old for this shit a long time ago, but when you jump in front of a ghost in the middle of an icy street and break your fucking leg, that's a wake up call. Once I made sure you were still alive I was ready to kill you anyway.

But in all realness, I'm so proud of everything we've done. There's Ghostbusting teams around the world now and paranormal studies is a real, respected field. Imagine telling a little Erin Gilbert that. I wish I could.

I love you,

Holtz

 

* * *

_August 2043_

Erin,

We sent Becca off to college this morning. Thank _God_ it's in the city. I think I'd lose my mind otherwise. The Columbia School of Journalism, shit. I'm so proud of us for raising such a strong, smart, thriving lesbian. Did you see the size of the belt she left in? We're so blessed.

But really- she's going to do amazing things. I guess now we have to remember what we did before she came along. I have a few ideas. You're in the shower right now, so...

I love you,

Holtz

 

* * *

_June 2050_

Erin,

I hate keeping secrets from you, but I don't want you to worry. I'm sure it's nothing. We're writing our story, and I would never write a story that killed off any gays.

Holtz

 

* * *

_September 2050_

Erin,

I passed out at work today and you found out about everything and now you're mad at me but it's that sad kind of mad like after your mom died which is not okay because I am not going anywhere. I'm not.

Holtz

 

* * *

  _January 2051_

Erin,

Look... You won't hear this from me now, so I'm saying it here. This was bound to happen. I spent my life working with dangerous elements with (literal) gay abandon, not knowing I'd ever have so much to lose. Live fast die young, right? I didn't know what the _fuck_ I was doing. Who even knows what's been going on inside my body all these years. I was bound to get sick.

I might regret that part of my life, always dicking around and never taking anything seriously, but I want you to know that I don't regret a single day since I met you, except maybe the ones I spent without telling you how I felt (though I wouldn't trade those moments of watching you turn stark red with every wink I threw for anything).

It's probably going to be fine, I'm probably going to be fine, I'm always fine, but in case it isn't, I need you to know these things. When I started writing these I never meant for you to read them, though maybe subconsciously I knew one day you would. I'm so proud of everything we've done, everything you've done, everything you are. I can't believe I ~~got~~ get to spend my life with someone as amazing as you. I never deserved you, and I'm sorry I lived so recklessly all these years, and fucking hell am I sorry if I die and you have to deal with that. You don't deserve that. If it happens, don't curl in on yourself. Abby and Patty will need you, Becca will need you. God, Becca. I can't believe that's our daughter- she's so incredible. It's all you. Tell her I'm so proud of her. I love you both so much. I love our little family.

I love you. I love you so much.

Holtz

 

* * *

Erin  ,

 

I am fine I keep saying I'm fine stop crying Erin stop

* * *

_April 2052_

 

Holtz,

I didn't know what to think when Abby handed me a box today. I almost wanted to hit her for not giving it to me sooner. The thought of missing out on any part of you still in the world made my blood boil. I understand now, though. I couldn't have read this last year. It was smart, giving it to her to keep until I was ready.

I can't believe you did this. This is our life, on these pages. Our life boiled down to notes on scraps of paper, plain and graph and lined, the backs of envelopes, lottery tickets... Anything you could find, I guess. That's how you lived your life. Making something out of anything you could find.

You certainly made something out of me. You showed me there was someone else inside me that I never knew. Someone who was fun, and spontaneous, and wanted more from life than a nine to five office job and a loveless relationship. Ours was anything but loveless. Ours is the love that people sing about.

I say _is_ , because that will never leave me. I've never been a secure person, Holtz, but I knew so quickly that we were forever. I knew you loved me more than anything, and I love you back just the same.

I hate to criticise, but I can't help but feel like you've missed out some important moments.

  * Our first Christmas with Becca; you covered the floor with salt and walked through it towards the fireplace in your giant boots so you could show her that Santa had been, even though she was a baby and we both knew it would make no difference to her. You did it every year from then, even when she'd grown up already.
  * When we visited my parents as a couple for the first time and you refused to sleep in my childhood bed without being fully clothed because you couldn't possibly "defile" it, even though we both know you always slept naked.
  * The proposal- are you kidding me? That was the most ridiculous, over-the-top, insanely sweet, potentially dangerous, gorgeous gesture that's ever been done- certainly for me, probably for anyone. My tears somehow acted as a solvent and made the confetti stick to my face for hours. I don't even want to know what you made that stuff out of.
  * That week we spent in England, when you and Abby insisted we set up camp next to one of the guards at Buckingham Palace, and instead of trying to make him laugh, told him ghost stories for _hours_ , certain that you could pique his interest enough to get him to talk.
  * Patty's wedding, when you got so drunk that you accepted her brother's dare to streak through the reception wearing nothing but a corsage. Maybe that one's not about _us_ , but it's still one of my favourites.
  * _Our_ wedding, when you'd set it up so that Africa by Toto would play _immediately_ after our first dance. I'll never understand your love for that song, but I listen to it now when I need to feel close to you. You never did manage to sway me about Cotton Eye Joe, though. I hate that song.
  * The day Becca went off to college, when you decided the only way we could not be sad was by spending the entire day naked. You were right.
  * You might not remember this, but your last good day, when your pain meds were just strong enough to make you loopy but not so strong that you weren't yourself. You spent the whole day cracking jokes, insisting that you shouldn't be eating hospital trash on your deathbed, and charming the staff so much that they actually sent their interns out on your elaborate food requests. You also gave a ridiculous speech about how much you love your wife, and it was so typically Holtz: a lot of grandeur to conceal just how deeply you feel things.



 

These notes are the best gift you could have given me, Holtz. I could hear your voice as I was reading them. God, I miss your voice. I miss you so much. We all do.

Becca is doing okay, she's strong. You made her that way. She's certainly stronger than me. She took a job here in New York so that she could be around, and I'm so grateful for that, though I wish she didn't have to. She's moved back in, and she keeps me from curling in on myself. Abby and Patty do, too. They're always around. We stick together, us Ghostbusters. That's something else that you did. All of that never could have happened without you, you _beautiful genius_.

I know, too, that our science is bigger than us. We changed the course of paranormal study forever, we broke barriers, glass ceilings. But still, the biggest thing to me, is us.

You said that love feels like the biggest thing in the universe when you're in it, and you're right. No matter the view; the top of a mountain in New Zealand, the view out of an airplane window at sunset, even the rooftop of our firehouse overlooking New York City, you always shone more brightly to me. You always will.

There aren't words to express how much I love you, how grateful I am for our love, our life, all the things you gave me, and all the things you made me. But it's okay. I know you know all of that.

Say hi to my mom for me. I know she never completely came around on the whole marrying a woman thing, but I could tell she always liked you. Everyone did.

I love you,

Erin

**Author's Note:**

> I'm SO sorry, but I realised about halfway through writing this that it's the only way it could possibly end. I really loved writing this and I hope you loved reading it, even if I did hurt you. xo


End file.
